Bulletin Humor

June 22, 2010
Here are some actual problem sentences found in church and denominational bulletins and/or newsletters:

  1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  2. Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  8. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  9. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 
  10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
  11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
  12. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  13. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
  14. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 
  15. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 
  16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Land Ho!

December 5, 2009
Two sailors were adrift on a raft in the ocean.  They had just about given up hope of rescue. 

One began to pray, "O Lord, I've led a worthless life.  I've been unkind to my wife and I've neglected my children, but if you'll save me, I promise...."

The other shouted, "Hold it.  I think I see land."

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How Do I Get To the Post Office?

September 23, 2009
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”

“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

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I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick!

September 13, 2009

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

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A True Story

September 2, 2009
A wife was concerned that their cat was frequently throwing up.  Her “cat care book” suggested that a veterinarian be called.  She made the call.  “I would like to make an appointment to have the doctor look at my cat.  She is frequently throwing up.”  After a brief silence, the receptionist replied, “Please hold while I check to see if the doctor works on cats.”  The wife quickly responded, “What?  He’s been seeing my cats for years.”  After a few brief interchanges, she re...
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September 2, 2009

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.  "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak,

we're all going to Disneyland!!!"   

Thanks Marcella for this one.

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